


Things the 118 Definitely Said

by damnedifyoudo



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Incorrect Quotes, bobby being a dad, buck being a little shit, hen being done with everyone's shit, lame pick-up lines, this will be a whole lot of crack, vine references, welcome to the mad house
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2020-10-31 05:47:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20787629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damnedifyoudo/pseuds/damnedifyoudo
Summary: A series of drabbles based on the incorrect911quotes blog on tumblr! Each chapter will be based on a different incorrect quote.Will be updated periodically and will be ongoing. Tags will be added as needed.This will probably contain a lot of crack, so be warned!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [transbuck](https://archiveofourown.org/users/transbuck/gifts).

> Buck:  
truth is, i only know one truly platonic relationship  
Eddie:  
you and me?  
Buck:  
don't make me laugh, eddie. you want to hit this so hard
> 
> Source: How I Met Your Mother

“Listen, there is no way that is a platonic relationship,” Buck said to his friends at dinner.

“What are you on about now?” Hen asked. “Are you still talking about that ghost tv show?”

“It’s _Supernatural, _Hen,” Buck defended before putting another fork full of pasta into his mouth. “And I’m telling you, there is no way Dean and Castiel aren’t gay.”

Bobby looked at Buck in confusion, Chim snorted, Eddie chuckled, and Hen gave him an incredulous look.

“Why are you still talking about this anyway?” Chim asked, finishing up his own pasta. “We had this discussion yesterday.”

“Yeah, but Eddie wasn’t there, and he doesn’t believe me,” Buck responded.

“Buck, you think every male-male friendship on TV is romantic in nature,” Eddie said, pointing his fork in Buck’s direction.

Buck scoffed. “Okay, but that’s cause they’re all coded as such. Truth is, I only know one truly platonic relationship.”

Eddie laughed. “You and me?” he asked before taking a sip of water.

“Don’t make me laugh, Eddie. You want to hit this so hard.”

Eddie immediately spit out his drink and turned bright red, causing Hen and Chim to burst out laughing. Even Bobby cracked a smile.

“See? No one can resist this, not even you,” Buck laughed along with Hen and Chim.

Eddie shot them all a glare before dramatically picking up his plate, bringing it to the sink, and exiting.

After the laughter died down, Bobby finally spoke up: “Seems to me like he really does want to hit that.”

_“CAP, _what the _fu-“_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the first drabble! 
> 
> Please follow @incorrect911quotes on tumblr, run by Kendall! They are wonderful and hilarious, please support them! 
> 
> Follow me at @eddiediaz-buckley on tumblr


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Footage of Hen shoving people aside at a call: MOVE I’M GAY!
> 
> Hen: In the workplace, being gay just has it’s perks.
> 
> Source: Angry Office (OFFENSIVE) on Youtube   
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTeQSzHGWyw

“I’m gonna be honest, half the time I have no idea what’s going on,” Buck says into the camera. “One thing I do know? The new guy-“ The camera quickly pans to Eddie. “-definitely gonna hit that eventually.”

“What do you mean eventually? We had sex last night. Multiple times,” Eddie said, the camera zooming in on him putting away some equipment.

The camera then zoomed in past Eddie to show Cap looking directly into it, clearly judging his subordinates. He shook his head.

The scene cuts to Bobby on the other side of the fire truck. “Sometimes I don’t know what to do with these people,” he admits, the camera moving to the side slightly showing Buck, Eddie, and Chim all spraying each other with the hoses. “It’s like I’m wrangling children constantly.”

All of a sudden, the camera cuts to Hen pushing through the men. “MOVE, I’M GAY!” she shouts, accidentally knocking Chim down as she makes her way to the firetruck. The camera briefly focuses on the men’s confused looks. Chim can be seen mouthing “so are we?” in a confused manner to the other two.

“In the workplace, being gay just has its perks,” Hen says sparing a glance at her coworkers before putting away her things and climbing in the truck.

The camera cuts back to Bobby. “See what I mean? I’m the only straight one here. They’ve all said a variation of that at one point or another.” He shrugs his shoulders. “Kids.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love that I just got to do mockumentary style. just pretend this is Parks and Rec or The Office essentially.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby: You either buckle down and do your work, or you’re going to end up at McDonalds.
> 
> Buck: WE’RE GOING TO MCDONALDS IF I DON’T DO MY WORK??
> 
> Bobby: nO!
> 
> Source: Vine (Patrick William Charlton)

Bobby sighed when he found Buck on the couch again, playing that insane firetruck driving game. He couldn’t understand why Buck liked it; it was so unrealistic. The game didn’t seem to care if you accidentally killed someone on the way to the call.

“Buck, why are you playing this game again? I thought I told you to help Chimney clean the engine.”

Buck jumped out of his skin and dropped the controller, so focused on the game he hadn’t noticed Bobby come in.

“Aww, c’mon, Pops! I’m almost done with this level!”

“Evan,” Bobby said in a scolding tone. “You either buckle down and do your work, or you’re going to end up at McDonald’s.”

“WE’RE GOING TO MCDONALD’S IF I DON’T DO MY WORK?”

“nO!”

…

“You know that boy loves McDonald’s, what you did you expect?” Athena asked over dinner the next night.

“Honestly, I don’t know.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck:  
hey, eddie, wanna go to the movies tonight? if you're allowed, i mean  
Eddie:  
what do you mean? of course i'm allowed  
Buck:  
really? they don't usually let me bring snacks in
> 
> Source: tumblr

It was quiet in the firehouse. Too quiet, Hen thought. She didn’t even know where everybody else was. Bobby was probably in his office though. She saw Athena walk in earlier so she could be in with him. If she had to make a guess, Buck and Eddie were probably somewhere making out – those horny motherfuckers snuck off to do so every chance they got. They’ve been dating for 6 months now, how could they still be this horny for each other? Whatever. She wished she had Chimney to complain to, but he had disappeared over 30 minutes ago and Hen had no idea where he had gone.

Eddie suddenly walked in from the direction of the locker rooms, so yeah Buck and Eddie were probably making out in there.

“Good morning, Henrietta,” Eddie greeted cheerfully, grabbing some coffee before sitting down at the table.

“You trying to get smacked before 9am?” Hen retorted, at the use of her full name.

Eddie’s face fell. “No.”

“That’s what I thought,” Hen said, shaking her head and getting back to her bagel. “And don’t think I don’t know exactly what you were just doing with Buckaroo, wherever the hell he is.”

Eddie blushed. “Uh, he’s coming.”

Hen shot a glare at him, but lo-and-behold, she could hear Buck’s light steps approaching the kitchen. His eyes went straight to Eddie and his face immediately lit up in a smile. Eddie reciprocated.

God they really were disgusting.

“Hello, Buck,” Hen said, getting his attention.

Buck’s head whipped around. “Oh. Hey, Hen,” he said quickly before turning back to look at Eddie.

Hen rolled her eyes and dropped her bagel on her plate dramatically. _Where _was Chim, she could really use him right now.

“Hey, Eddie,” Buck started. “Wanna go to the movies tonight? If you’re allowed, I mean.”

Hen and Eddie both looked at Buck quizzically.

“What do you mean? Of course, I’m allowed,” Eddie responded.

“Really? They don’t usually let me bring snacks in,” Buck finished with a shit-eating grin.

Eddie’s mouth dropped open before he quickly got up kissed his boyfriend senseless.

Hen threw her plate down on the table. “I can’t fucking do this,” she muttered to herself, hastily leaving the room. She was going to track down Chimney before she actually went insane.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maddie:  
buck and eddie made out!  
Hen:  
what?! when? where?  
Chimney:  
that's inappropriate; i'm assuming on the mouth
> 
> Source: Community

Maddie had just seen Chimney the previous night, but the news she had was too good to not tell him in person. Buck called her not long after Chimney left and told her that he and Eddie had _finally _kissed, and even made out a little bit before remembering Christopher was in the house and that they had to stop before things got too saucy.

She was nearly bursting with excitement as she walked into the firehouse. Chim and Hen were luckily right there in the truck bay getting ready for morning briefing.

“Mad-“

“Buck and Eddie made out!” she blurted, cutting Chimney off before he could question why she was there.

At her outburst, Chim smiled and Hen gasped dramatically.

“What? When? Where?” Hen questioned excitedly.

“That’s inappropriate. I’m assuming on the mouth,” Chimney deadpanned.

Hen slapped him lightly across the shoulder before turning back to face Maddie. “But seriously, we need details. It’s about time they got their shit together.”

“Tell me about it,” Maddie gushed. “If I had to hear another word from Buck about how pretty Eddie’s eyes are, I was gonna scream. They’re adorable, but I can only take so much pining.”

At that, Bobby walked in. “Alright time for morning briefing.” He looked up and noticed two of his firefighters were missing. “Hi, Maddie. Nice to see you, but where are Buckley and Diaz?”

Hen, Chim, and Maddie all looked at each other before bursting out laughing. They knew _exactly _why they were late.

Bobby gave them a questioning look, but before he could ask why everyone was laughing, Buck and Eddie ran in.

“Sorry, we’re late Cap, we – wait, Maddie?” Buck started to apologize before cutting himself off.

Maddie turned around and faced her brother, giving him a shit eating grin.

Buck’s face instantly fell, and he looked at Eddie and then Bobby nervously.

“Maddie, I can’t believe you’ve done this.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby:  
*making mac and cheese*  
Hen:  
thats what good pussy sounds like  
Bobby:  
HENRIETTA
> 
> Source: Vine

It was dinner time and Bobby knew it was going to take something special to lift the squad’s spirits tonight. It had been a long and tough shift and morale had definitely taken a hit. It was pretty quiet, so Bobby assumed everyone was in the bunks getting some much-needed rest.

Well, it looked like it was time for Bobby’s famous mac and cheese. Mac and cheese was a comfort food, so hopefully it would do the trick and at least have his squad feeling full and content before they got called out again.

Bobby got to work, getting out all the pots and pans, preheating the oven, and bringing some water to a boil. After the pasta was cooked, he started to add the milk, cheese, ham, and onions. He started to stir the mixture together, smiling as it all began to come together.

He hadn’t noticed Hen coming up.

“That’s what good pussy sounds like,” Hen commented, gesturing to the pot of mac and cheese.

Bobby turned around so fast he could have given himself whiplash.

“HENRIETTA!”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck:  
cap, i've figured out why you've been in such a bad mood lately. you have updog  
Bobby:  
what's "updog"?  
Buck:  
chim, get in here! i told you i could do it!  
Source: The Office

Bobby had been in a terrible mood the last few shifts. No one knew exactly why, but they were all pretty sure it had something to do with Athena being out of town for two weeks attending a police leadership and training seminar.

His terrible mood had started to affect the rest of the team. Especially Hen, as Karen had also coincidentally left town for a few days for work. Buck was getting absolutely fed up with all the crabbiness and hell yeah, he was gonna do something about it.

He walked over to the couch where Chim and Eddie were watching a movie. Hen was probably off somewhere talking to Karen on the phone.

Buck plopped down on the couch between Chim and Eddie, giving his boyfriend a very dramatic and wet kiss on the cheek before during toward Chim.

“Disgusting,” Chim commented without looking away from the screen.

Buck smiled widely at him. Eddie smiled softly and gave Buck a soft kiss on the forehead before turning back to the movie.

“Anyway, Chim, I bet you 10 bucks I can make Bobby say ‘what’s updog’? Should give us all a good laugh,” Buck said.

This got Chim to look at Buck. “Yeah, right, Buckley, Bobby’s not gonna fall for that. He has kids ya know.”

“Trust me, that doesn’t mean anything. I’ve fallen for it more than once,” Eddie chuckled.

Chim went silent and made a show of looking deep in thought. “Alright, Buck, you’re on,” he finally said.

Buck’s face broke out into a huge grin. He placed a sloppy wet kiss to Chim’s cheek, much like he had just done to Eddie, before turning around and kissing Eddie deeply.

Just as Eddie had started to respond, Buck was pushed off.

“Jesus Christ, Buck, are you trying to disgust me to death?” Chimney asked, exasperated, while Eddie laughed.

“Just trying to have some more fun,” Buck winked as he got up and walked off towards the kitchen, where he knew Bobby was making lunch.

“Cap,” Buck called out, the man in question turning around when he heard Buck. “I’ve figured out why you've been in such a bad mood lately. You have updog.”

Bobby looked at Buck with a mixture of confusion and irritation on his face. “What’s updog?”

Buck jumped up in the air and turned back towards the common room, not even bothering to answer Bobby.

“Chim, get in here! I told you I could do it!”

Buck heard a groan and a laugh coming from the common room, the groan definitely coming from Chimney. When he turned back around to face Bobby, the man was clearly not pleased, but hey, Buck was $10 richer. Worth it.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby:  
i need all of you to be straight with me  
Buck, Looking At The Others:  
that’s going to be extremely hard for everyone here, cap
> 
> Source: tumblr

Bobby had needed to go to a quick meeting down at headquarters in the remaining hours of their shift. It had been slow, so he was hoping that trend would continue, and his team could get some rest while he was out. He had left Chim in charge as acting Captain and expected things to be in order when he arrived back at the station.

Walking in, it was safe to say that things were most definitely not in order.

There were marshmallows of all sizes covering the firehouse.

They were _everywhere. _On the main floor, up in the kitchen and common area, in the locker room, and even on the rigs.

Karen and Maddie were there for some reason, and he thought he could hear Denny and Christopher laughing somewhere. Not that he ever minded them visiting, but in the mess they were standing in, it was a little concerning. To their credit, the ladies did seem worried and became even more so when they spotted Bobby walking in.

“Oh Jesus, they’re in for it now,” Karen muttered to Maddie.

Bobby, close enough now to hear her, responded “Do I have to ask who ‘they’ is? And why does my firehouse look like some kind of marshmallow monster ran through here?”

“You’ll have to ask ‘them’. We told them it wasn’t a good idea,” Maddie replied.

Bobby groaned and put his head in his hands. “Are the kids here? I thought I heard Denny laughing.”

“Yeah, they’re here. They joined in the game against our protests,” Karen said, pointing between her and Maddie.

Bobby shook his head before calling out to his team loudly. “BUCKLEY, DIAZ, WILSON, HAN! GET YOUR ASSES IN HERE!” Bobby generally refrained from cursing, but clearly, he needed to get his team in gear.

Karen and Maddie both made “o” faces as they walked off to get the kids and Bobby could hear someone, probably Buck, say “oh shit!” from somewhere by the locker room.

All four firefighters came clambering in, trying, and failing, to hide some sort of shooting contraptions behind their backs, having the decency to look guilty.

Bobby sighed before addressing them, lowering his voice. “I need all of you to be straight with me.”

Buck interrupted before he could continue, looking at all his coworkers before speaking. “That’s going to be extremely hard for everyone here, Cap.”

Bobby just glared at them for a second.

“_Jesus Christ_, just clean this up by the end of shift, all of you,” Bobby said, walking away before he started yelling again.

The other four all looked at each other nervously.

“This is a bad time to make a ‘useless gay’ joke, right?” Chim joked, laughing weakly.

Hen sucked in a breath. “Chimney, I swear to God-“


End file.
